i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
