I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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