I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
