He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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