So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
