Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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