By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
