You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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