currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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