I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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