You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
