I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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