he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
