i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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