mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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