I want to stick my p in your. b.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
