So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
