When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
