i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
