Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
