i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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