I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
