our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
