I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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