Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize