batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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