the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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