Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
