Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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