oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize