I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
