I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
