when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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