Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
