Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize