you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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