I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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