I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
