Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
