after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
