Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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