The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
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