Pants 0. Shit 1.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
