So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize