he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
