So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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