that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
