just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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