Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
