Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm too high and old for this...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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