That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize