I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
