How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
