fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
