Nicole vs. Life
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
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