i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I am one with the molecules
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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