Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
