Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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