i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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