Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
